I realize that I am standing at a very emotional cross road. DP and I had a full blown fight that escalated in me crying on his bathroom floor.
Where to start? Let’s begin with the fact that DP and I have yet to really talk about anything. We see each other now at the bar, drunk most of the time and a confrontation always ensues with us getting no where closer to reaching a conclusion as to what happened between us.
What brought about the full blown fight? It all stemmed from New Years eve and GM. That night, I had no idea that GM had a girlfriend. He certainly didn’t act like a guy who was madly in love with his girlfriend, especially when he pulled out his dick in hopes to stick it in me. I don’t know if any one saw him pull out his dick but New Yorker saw me zip up his pants. If she saw me then perhaps others saw it as well…
Back to the fight night. I go to the bar with some friends to hang out. I text DP to let him know I’m there. He searches me out. We say hi and then he goes off somewhere and I return to my group. Suddenly I see GM. He walks by me trying to ignore me and I being slightly intoxicated grab him to give him a hug. He pulls away abruptly and says he’s really busy. I grab his tie for some reason, to be playful and he jerks himself back and walks away. I brush it off and take a shot with my friends. Probably shouldn’t have but when in Rome…
Later that night I see DP and GM standing and I go up to them. I can’t remember exactly what was said but it must have been something not to my liking because I said “Whatever, I’ve seen both of your penis’!” To which GM stormed off and DP grabbed me and said we needed to talk. He started saying I couldn’t say things like that and GM is very upset. I not sure why GM is upset until DP tells me that GM is very much in love with his girlfriend and he doesn’t know what happened New Years eve because GM was blacked out drunk… That’s great! The general manager of the bar blacked out drunk while working on New Years… Then he certain doesn’t remember kissing all the girls, grabbing their breasts, ass’ and pulling out his dick….
I start to get defensive because it feels as though I’m being attacked for doing actually nothing. DP pulls me outside and proceeds to tell me that I can’t go grabbing GM’s tie and talking about his penis. I try to explain myself, explain that if GM is so in love with his girlfriend then he should never have done what he did. I did nothing at all. DP doesn’t believe me, he says he knows me and how I act and that I’m very flirtatious, aggressive and demanding.
Being drunk, I’m highly on edge now. I’m getting attacked for being myself. For doing nothing wrong. If I had known that GM had a girlfriend this whole time I would NEVER have touched his dick let alone let him kiss me. It feels as though DP is making it seem that I’m trying to stir up trouble and break up GM. I have no intention of doing that. Had I known when I grabbed GM’s tie he had a girlfriend, that moment yes but when I grabbed his dick no. Why did I grab his tie knowing about the girlfriend, because he was being stand offish to me and I wanted his attention. If he had just told me he doesn’t remember New Years and that he was “happily” in a relationship, I would never have done anything.
When you don’t tell someone your situation, you can’t expect them to act differently from how they were acting to begin with…
I’m very hurt by DP’s attack on me, my personality. It feels as though he is using all his knowledge of me, my history, against me
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. To point out I’m wrong, to show that it’s my personality that gets me into situations that I don’t need to be in.
I can’t take anymore of his accusations and go inside to grab my purse and jacket. I search for my friends. I tell them I have to get out of there. We all leave and head of course to another bar across the street.
I’m trying to block out everything DP was saying to me. It was justifiably unfair. I really didn’t do anything wrong. How was I suppose to know that GM didn’t remember anything from New Years eve. How was I suppose to know that he supposedly was in love with his girlfriend. I have never met a guy who loved his girlfriend, to want to kiss every girl in his sights and pull out his dick to fuck in the backroom. Yes he was drunk but I find that the truth always comes out in the intoxication form.
The friends want to go to another bar to find girls. I go and play as wing woman. I need a distraction but soon realize that I’m too drunk, too emotional to do anything. I decided to leave. But I am in no condition to drive. I think about calling a cab but I really don’t want to spend the money to take me home and then call another one in the morning to get my car. I take a deep breath and text DP to see if he’s still at the bar and if I can crash at his place. He asks me why, why don’t I just take a taxi. This sets me off! I tell him if he doesn’t want to help out then don’t. He of course says he is there to help but I have to leave at 4 am when he leaves for the airport because he doesn’t think his roommie would like me to stay while DP is not there. This confuses me because I know the roomie and can’t understand why he wouldn’t let me stay after DP leaves. I tell DP to just forget it that I’m leaving.
While walking past the first bar, I see DP’s roomie and go talk to him. I ask him if I can crash at his place since I’m too drunk to drive home. He begins to text DP. Roomie says he has to run it by DP because he knows that DP and I are constantly fighting now and is not sure what is exactly happening between us. I don’t even know what is exactly happening between DP, how can I explain it to anyone else!
DP shows back up and we walk to his place. He’s trying to make small talk, joking around but I’m not in the mood for his attempt to avoid our situation. I walk into his apartment and head straight to the bathroom and slam the door. My stomach is about to explode and I begin the horrible process of eliminating the waste. All the while tears are flowing down, not the tears that sometimes come from vomiting but tears from emotions.
I turn on the faucet because I don’t want DP to hear but he knows what is happening, it’s difficult to drown out the sobs that keeps escaping my mouth. He walks in with 2 shots of tequila! I look at him in disgust! Here I am, throwing up, balling my eyes out and he has shots of tequila! Typical DP!
Why am I crying? The tears don’t stop. I’m hurt, hurting by everything DP has done to me, everything he is telling me, all the things that are left unsaid.
I get up and tell him that I want to go home. He tries to stop me, saying that I really don’t want to go home. That the reason why I’m there is to have fun, that’s what we do, we have fun, we get drunk, we joke around, we watch movies together. That I really don’t want to go home. If I did then I would have left already. I stare him down. He begins on GM and how my behavior, my personality is all wrong. That I’m in the wrong.
Then he starts in on about “us”, that we were just having fun. There was nothing serious about us. And he doesn’t understand why I’m making such a big deal. He can’t do anything serious because he needs to concentrate on his career. He then tells me how he hopes when I finally meet the right guy, that I will finally let him in, that my walls come down because I have these walls that no guy can break down. He goes on to say that I should probably not tell the guy about all the guys I’m sleeping with… I stare at him in disbelief as to what he is saying, let my walls down, not talk about other guys! I did let him in, I showed him my vulnerability when he decided to put the moves on me and I decided to give him a chance. I couldn’t believe that he was throwing my history in my face. I use to tell him about my dates and guys because he was one of my closest guy friends and I could tell him anything and vice verse, and now here he was throwing it back in my face.
The tears keep flowing and I’m trying to defend myself but DP keeps talking over me. He won’t let me say anything, he has to have the last word. I finally just look at him and tell him I’m tired.
I’m tired of arguing with him. I’m tired of being hurt by him. I’m tired of feeling what I feel for him and not having it returned. I look at him and think how could I be so wrong as to think that possibly something could have been between us.
I tell him I have to throw up again. We go back inside and once more I’m kneeling, crying and throwing up. He hands me a glass of water, takes the shots away and tells me to drink the water to help my continuing vomiting session. I slam the door on him and lock it because he is trying to make light of the situation and I can’t take him anymore.
I know that I can’t continue to stay there. He says he’ll make a nice bed for me but I don’t want him to do anything but take me home. He drives and all the while trying to crack jokes, trying to lighten the mood but all I can think about is the fact that he really can’t face reality, he is deflecting the situation by making light of it. By basically avoiding what is really happening between us…
The ending of a friendship.
I know I can’t continue feeling this pain. Can’t continue being hurt. I’m hurting from him. Hurt because I feel rejected by him. Here’s a guy who has wanted me since the moment he met me, a guy that I have always crushed on, suddenly getting an opportunity but it passes us by. He panics and instead of talking to me about all the insecurities that plague us, he runs away. He avoids, he makes light, holds what he use to find enduring about me, against me.
As I’m writing this I know that he and I can’t continue down the path of “friendship”, we lost it the moment he kissed me. It hurts. To know that the friendship we had was special, was great and now gone.
I don’t know where to go from here.