Last night found me very depressed and sad. My partner in crime, Plums took off for 5 weeks to NYC!!!! She needed to jump start her heart again. Completely understand able but where does that leave me?!?!?!?! I don’t have my side kick for 5 weeks!!!!
Since Plums was taking off and it being Wednedays, Thelma, Plums and I had our happy hour. We went to a local spot. We ordered our apps and drinks. Just as we are settling into our conversation, a familiar face enters the bar… DP…
I should have known I would run into DP. The place we were at is his breakfast/lunch/dinner spot.
I have to back a little bit and really explain about DP. He and I have been friends forever it seems. We knew each other’s good and horrible natures. We were best friends. We had this packed that when I eventually/finally turn 40 and if I haven’t found the love of my life yet, we would get married and live happily ever after with lovers…
Well he couldn’t wait until I decided to turn 40 to kiss me. After 7 plus years of flirting, sexual tension and teasing, DP finally made his move. He kissed me at a drunken birthday party one night. WOW! The chemistry between us was not a lie or just in our heads from bent up frustration…
It wasn’t long after that we were getting physical
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. I was a bit hesitant because deep down I knew he wasn’t “the ONE” but we had a great friendship and everyone always said, the best relationships stem from friendship. So I was throwing caution to the wind and putting my heart on my sleeve…
It wasn’t long before things started to go south. He started working more and more and communicating less and less. It felt as though I was doing all the initating and trying to reach out to him. He always saying he is busy working. That soon we would see each other. Soon we would talk. Soon we would hang out. Soon we would… I’m still waiting for soon…
I’m a pretty demanding person. I push people. Not to be mean, I demand the best of people because I give my best to people. I push because I see the potential in them and want them to achieve greatness. Do unto others as you would do unto them, has always been my motto and I live by it. DP has known this about me. He appreciates it from me because I have always been this way and I haven’t waivered or faultered.
The frustration began with DP when I started to see instead of him sending me a quick hello while he was on break, he was posting on facebook. It seemed he was always on facebook, communicating that way but never communicating directly with me. I confronted him about it, all he would say was my bad. But he never attempted to reach out.
We went nearly 3 months without any true good form of communication. Halloween night was the first time I’ve seen him. And being drunk and frustrated and hurt by everything that had happened between DP and I, I let him have it.
I was so confused by his behavior. I couldn’t believe that he was risking our friendship. I went off on him. He was definitely scared of me. He, I think thought I was going to kill him, which I thought about but he wouldn’t be worth going to jail over. No guy really is but I couldn’t let him get away with what he was doing to me.
His explaination: He was scared. He didn’t know what was happening between us and wished we kept everything a secret until we could figure out what we really wanted. He said that I am a very demanding and pushy person, which he loves but sometimes he wanted to hear me be supportive of him. He said I was one of the most important people in his life and he didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I was soooo hurt by his explaination. I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. He was telling me things I already knew about myself. He was basically saying his lack of communication was due to my personality. A personality that he has known for 7+ years. A personality that he knew before he kissed me that I wasn’t going to change. That in fact since he kissed me, I would be more because if I’m going to give my all I expect the person to give me their all. A bit unrealistic probably but I know it’s possible.
So in short, he in my mind, didn’t really want to get involved with me because he wasn’t ready and ran scared. He thought that by keeping himself busy and not communicating with me it would run it’s course and be ok, or that eventually we would run into each other have it out and all would be forgiven.
All has not been forgiven. When I saw him last night, I couldn’t get over my hurt. Here was a guy that was my friend, who knew all my dirty secrets, who I cared and loved, hurting me. He didn’t do or say anything different. He was acting as though we had always acted with each other before the kiss but I couldn’t. I was still hurt. I think what set me off was he had his phone with him, out, looking at, playing with, texting and talking. Here he was out hanging out with friends, not busy working. If I hadn’t been at that bar last night, I would never have seen him and he would not have called me.
I’m still hurt. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t think you can go back to the way things were after you become intimate with your best friend. I can’t talk to him about guys anymore. I can’t call him up and tell him something horrid that I did and not have him judge me. I can’t look at him without wanting to beat the crap out of him.
I wish he never kissed me. I wish we could have continued with our sexual tension. The teasing. Having everyone believe that we had slept together but never had. But we can’t turn back time, we can’t go back.
What to do now?